Why Men Secretly Love Being Married
A former male dating columnist for Glamour returns with his reflections on marriage, two years after having been married himself â€¦ and it just seems to get better and better.
Add page to favoritesBy Married Jake
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Some of you might remember me as the (charmingly!) equivocating Jake who almost two years ago gave up the single-guy gig writing this column to get hitched to a woman known as Orange Blossoms, my longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend. I want to assure everyone that, even with a ring on my finger, I'm just as confused by love as I was when I was single. But I'm happy â€” and here are the reasons why:
The drama is over. And that's a good thing. ...view middle of the document...
Yes, I have sexual thoughts that don't include my wife. I've discussed this with lots of men, and they've agreed that extracurricular attraction never goes away. However, now I can talk to Blossoms about them. Not explicitly (the fantasies are rarely that graphic â€” it's more of a feeling, like, Yeah ... her ... yep, for sure), but we joke around about which women I'm drawn to, and then I hear about men she's checking out at the moment. Before marriage that kind of openness would have been impossibly threatening. Now? She's even taken to having lunch with guys in an attempt to keep things exciting but not dangerous. It probably seems unorthodox to a lot of you, but, weirdly, I'm in favor of it.
I successfully battle "we"-dom. In an effort to not be one of those husbands who use the word we too much ("We love risotto!" "We hate BeyoncÃ©!"), I make sure that Blossoms and I keep our individuality as a man and a woman who will never have the same quasi-male haircut or unisex shoes. In her own related attempts, Blossoms encourages me to spend time alone or with my friends because we most enjoy each other when we have our own lives. That said, it feels more us-against-the-world than it ever has in the past, perhaps because ...
It is us against the world. Take the economy. I can't tell you how much more terrifying the prospect of losing my job or the reality of our decimated 401(k)s would be if I didn't know we had each other's backs. And it's an enormous comfort to know that as much as things change, I still have a few familiars to hold on to, like:
Being with her now turns me on the same way it did the first time. I am still a bit obsessed with her palpable intelligence, her curiosity and her sense of mischief. And nothing puts me at ease as much as getting into bed with her at the end of the day, shutting off all the lights, pressing against each other and talking until we fall asleep.
My wife continues to smell unbelievably good. She's switched perfumes (no more orange blossoms!), but there's still something about her scent. I don't think it can be reduced to what comes out of a crystal bottle; it's human chemistry. And no matter how many columns I write, I'll never be able to explain it.